Ruth walked out of the doctor's office into cloudy, cold weather. The frigid breeze actually felt good. She was flushed and her mind was spinning. She needed to sit down. She walked two blocks to a small park and sat down heavily on a wooden bench. Just the movement of sitting down made her stomach lurch and she struggled not to throw up as she'd done for the last several weeks, multiple times a day.
As she feared, the doctor confirmed that she was pregnant. Feared? Well, maybe not. Her feelings were so confused. Since marrying Ed a few months before she had been a mother to his three children - Donna, Sharry and Becky. The older two, Donna and Sharry, were a daily challenge; so much so that she tried to convince Ed to send them to a boarding school. Neither girl accepted her as a replacement for their deceased mother. The girls seemed to plot against her, convincing their dad that she was mean, demanding and unreasonable. She did not see herself that way. She was strict, yes. She expected the girls to behave a certain way, to have responsibilities. Was that mean? The girls complained to Ed every night. Ed was annoyed to be in the middle of the drama and spent most evenings being angry with her. No matter what she said to defend her stance, he remained aggravated.
But, then there was Becky. She was the joy of Ruth's life. Becky made the bad days better. Becky was a kind, affectionate child. Ruth watched with fascination as Becky learned more every day, amazed at each new bit of information that expanded Becky's world.
Ruth sighed. She grew up never imagining having a baby. Unlike other girls, she was more interested in sports than boys or planning weddings or dreaming of motherhood. Loving Becky as much as she did came as a surprise. Maybe she could love this new baby growing inside of her just as much. But, pregnancy and childbirth were not her dreams. The last few weeks of constant nausea just convinced her more that she was not cut out for what lay ahead.
And, what about her marriage, which was already stressed? What would be Ed's reaction to this news? He was a distant husband and father. He had a strong since of obligation and followed through on what he thought he had to do, what was expected of him, but he was not that involved in the everyday lives of Ruth and the children. He was only engaged when Donna and Sharry complained about Ruth. Yes, that is when he definitely got involved, Ruth thought, always siding with them and never with her.
As the animosity with Ed increased, Ruth worried about the life of their marriage. What would she do if he told her to get out? If he divorced her? Yes, their family life was often stressful and Ed could be moody and even explosive, but their lifestyle was still better than anything she had ever experienced. She definitely did not want to go back to being a struggling legal secretary and going back to life in rural Maine was not an option she wanted to consider. She shuddered from the thought and from the cold wind that blew across the park. Maybe this pregnancy would assure that her marriage would continue, would save her from the much less attractive alternatives.
Nausea came in a wave that she could not control. She leaped up from the park bench and vomited in a nearby trashcan. Pulling a tissue from her pocket, Ruth cleaned her mouth and looked about her as she returned to the park bench. No one was around, no one saw her disgusting action. Why did pregnancy have to be so repulsive?
Ruth saw darker clouds gathering. Snow? She rested a few more minutes and then rose from the park bench. A glance at her watch told her that the next bus would arrive in ten minutes. She slowly walked toward the bus stop thinking about the conversation she would have with Ed that evening.
But, then there was Becky. She was the joy of Ruth's life. Becky made the bad days better. Becky was a kind, affectionate child. Ruth watched with fascination as Becky learned more every day, amazed at each new bit of information that expanded Becky's world.
Ruth sighed. She grew up never imagining having a baby. Unlike other girls, she was more interested in sports than boys or planning weddings or dreaming of motherhood. Loving Becky as much as she did came as a surprise. Maybe she could love this new baby growing inside of her just as much. But, pregnancy and childbirth were not her dreams. The last few weeks of constant nausea just convinced her more that she was not cut out for what lay ahead.
And, what about her marriage, which was already stressed? What would be Ed's reaction to this news? He was a distant husband and father. He had a strong since of obligation and followed through on what he thought he had to do, what was expected of him, but he was not that involved in the everyday lives of Ruth and the children. He was only engaged when Donna and Sharry complained about Ruth. Yes, that is when he definitely got involved, Ruth thought, always siding with them and never with her.
As the animosity with Ed increased, Ruth worried about the life of their marriage. What would she do if he told her to get out? If he divorced her? Yes, their family life was often stressful and Ed could be moody and even explosive, but their lifestyle was still better than anything she had ever experienced. She definitely did not want to go back to being a struggling legal secretary and going back to life in rural Maine was not an option she wanted to consider. She shuddered from the thought and from the cold wind that blew across the park. Maybe this pregnancy would assure that her marriage would continue, would save her from the much less attractive alternatives.
Nausea came in a wave that she could not control. She leaped up from the park bench and vomited in a nearby trashcan. Pulling a tissue from her pocket, Ruth cleaned her mouth and looked about her as she returned to the park bench. No one was around, no one saw her disgusting action. Why did pregnancy have to be so repulsive?
Ruth saw darker clouds gathering. Snow? She rested a few more minutes and then rose from the park bench. A glance at her watch told her that the next bus would arrive in ten minutes. She slowly walked toward the bus stop thinking about the conversation she would have with Ed that evening.
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